Here we are again… I seem to have come down with a bit of a cold and crashed after work.  But, not to let you, the avid and eager reader down, here is tip #5.  It may be the hardest one yet.  And I really don’t like Laundry.

So, we are on day 5 of your wife being gone.  You miss her and your children and you are tired.  Things are stressful.  During your conversations on the phone, you say something that upsets your wife, or disappoints her, or possibly you are impatient, or any number of things that could happen in such a conversation as they do when you are home.  Remember, these tips aren’t titled, Love your wife when she is gone, they are loving your wife, period, the situation just happens to be that she is on travel at the moment.

So anyway, you can tell that you have disappointed her or snapped at her, or made a poor decision.  At this moment, you have 2 choices.  you can land the plane or you can crash it.  You can ride the bike over the cliff, or you can get off the bike.

Pride, you worst enemy, yourself, will keep you on the bike, defending your position, your action or your desire.  And it will take you into the ground if you let it.  At a high rate of speed or a slow one.  Yesterday we talked about humility and serving a little bit.  Here is another case.

What do you need to do?

You gonna ride the bike?

Or get off the bike?

repeat after me…

Honey, I’m sorry that I <insert the description of whatever you did>, please forgive me.

Step away from pride.  Do not puff up at her disappointment or anger or pursue your own anger.  Humble yourself.  Pray for humility.  And genuinely ask forgiveness.

I’m not saying to do things just to do things.  But if you realize that you messed up, you made a mistake, you got snippy, you got impatient… fill in the blank, then you be the first one to say that you are sorry, you be the first one to humble yourself and offer the sacrifice of your pride and flesh and admit it.  You take the first step.

It is good for you to take the first step here when it is your fault, because humility is what we need to seek.  We are nothing and we often take ourselves too seriously.  And if you can lay down your pride and take the first step, then it will be easier to take the first step in forgiveness when she hurts or disappoints you.

This too is biblical.  You did not apologize or do anything towards God prior to Jesus dying on the Cross for you.  No matter where you were in Time, God’s plan was in place.  Romans 5 talks about how while we were sinners (which is now, and yesterday and tomorrow) Christ died for us.  We were ugly and in our sin and He still paid that price, humbled himself, who had no sin, went first to the cross and endured it to death, to forgive us.  Because of this, how much more so, we who are sinners, we who are faulty, should we be willing to humble ourselves to say we are sorry and to offer forgiveness when we either trespass and transgress against our wives, or when they do so to us.

Let us love our wives by following the example.  Be the first to move out in humility, whether in slaughtering your own pride, or neutralizing that of someone elses.

I can guarantee you, that if you stay on the bike, you will be ensuring hours, days, years of strife in your marriage.  but if you get off the bike, disable your pride, you will not only endear yourself to your wife as a humble man who follows Christ, but you will be an example that may soften her and you may also be a means to her humbly following after the Lord as well.  I don’t know your situation, but I know mine and I am in need of more grace and humility.

It will change you, it may change her and it will glorify God foremost.

til later today… love you all.

tom

So, still following along?  This is where it starts to get painful for some of you and this is where we need to start looking a bit more at some biblical examples.  Stick with me though, the reward is great, the joy is greater and the glory is God’s.  You wouldn’t selflessly do anything on your own anyway.  Selfishly maybe, but not selflessly.

You know the drill.  Your wife has gone on a trip.  You want to show her how much you love her.  This is a hard measure since she has taken your four children.  I want to keep reiterating that.  She was in the midst of serving you by going on vacation when you couldn’t due to work.  So how do you out do her in love and generosity.  It’s a tall order.

Ok, so take a look around the house.  We cleaned the first floor so far.  A few things left to do, empty the dishwasher, clean the newly dirtied dishes.   You sent her some sweet texts today, and if you really put your heart into it, you started writing a hand written letter.  Yes, with neat lettering.  None of that chicken scratch stuff you write your list for Home Depot with.  Also, you are continuing to pray for her as now she is a couple days into the trip, the kids are getting settled and back into their element in their new location.  You need to continue to pray for peace and safety and health, because your father also came home from Spain with some stomach bug.  Not cool.  She needs support and discernment and perseverance.

So what else can you do to tangibly love her.  Have you taken a look in the Laundry room?  Chances are that she did a bunch of laundry getting ready to go, but likely only the loads that needed to be done for filling the suitcases.  And likely that was in the last day before she left because with 4 children, things are just crazy.  Yeah, that’s right, you see where I am going.  Have you been in the laundry room lately?  Well, I hope so.  You should at least know how to operate these 2 pieces of machinery.

The next tip is… Do the Laundry

So, what would be wonderful for your wife?  For her return to start out at zero.  Zero Laundry.  Except of course for that which they bring home with them, but if you know your wife, she probably did most of the laundry before coming home so the kids would have something that fit to wear the next day.  That lady is such a planner.  But if you think about it, she also did it because there was laundry at home and she didn’t want to start out too far behind.  But you are going to do one better.  Aren’t you?

So, you sort the laundry.  NO, reds do not go in with the WHITES.  You sort the colors and whites and towels and you start a load.  Yes, check the soap level silly, you remember what happened to the Brady kids when they put too much soap in the washer?  Yeah, don’t do that or you will undo all your points and end up in the negative zone.

Anyway, Laundry is that thing that you can do and do something else.  You know, modern technology.  Wash the laundry, do something else.  Since no children are around, you can then take care of the dishes while the clothes wash.  Hint, Hint.  then what?

Well, then you put those in the next big metal box, the dryer.  Then put the next load in the washer.  Repeat.  Finish cleaning the bathrooms.  remember the tip to clean?  Clean the bathrooms.  You should have a good 45 min to an hour to do so.  You are a guy.  You are generally disgusting.  Clean the bathrooms, for her sake.  And for yours.

Now.  the next thing is to actually get the laundry out of those plastic containers that are called baskets and fold it.  This is often best done efficiently on your bed or on your dining room table.  Get everything folded and sorted by who it belongs to.  Then do something absolutely crazy… don’t put it back into the basket and stack them in the corner.  Actually go into your children’s rooms and put the clothes away, then put her clothes away and then sort all those tiny socks and put the towels in the linen closet if you have one, or wherever you put them.

Yes, take care of her undergarments. find out where they go and put them there.  Chances are you may not know where any of these things go because you might live out of a basket, or you may have the incorrect belief that little laundry fairies do your laundry and put it away every week. That little washer gnomes come and collect your socks and underwear off the floor where you left them and they suddenly reappear in your drawer ready to wear.

All that is tongue in cheek.  You probably do laundry. You probably take care of it.  You may even do all of it.  But if this is a totally foreign idea to you… I would follow the directions above and have all the laundry done before she arrives. and not just washed and dried, but also put away and taken care of in it’s right place.  don’t mess up drawers or closets.  No throwing it in and slamming the door.  That will just de-point you and that is not the point.  The point is to love your wife.

Is this biblical?  Yes.  We are called to serve our wives.  We are called to love them as our own bodies.  Read Ephesians 5 again.  You like the laundry done for you.  It is time to return the favor.  If you are thinking your are unable or above doing the laundry, then read the chapter again.  Nothing done in your house is below you as the husband.  You are the servant leader.  You lead by serving and in her absence, serve her by handling all the things you are tempted to leave for her.

I promise, it will be worth it.  And if it isn’t?  Well, you weren’t called to serve if it was fair or convenient.  We were called to serve and love and cherish and provide.  We gravitate towards the provision at the expense of the others.  humble yourself and serve her.

It will change you. It will change her.  You will never be the same and God will be honored.  But don’t do it for the points.  Do it in obedience and do it to love her.  If your heart is not in it, or if you are doing any of these things upon conditions in your mind, you have already lost the battle.

More tomorrow.  get to folding.  and remember.  Not too much soap…

ha, thought I missed today? I’m just under the wire. well, I hope by the time I get this posted it is still today, but with 20 minutes of today left, we’ll see what I can do.

The subject… loving your wife.  The situation… your wife went on vacation without you to let you finish a project at work.  She took your 4 children. 10 years, 5 years, 3 years and 6 months.  Without you.  To your mom’s house. 9-10 hours away by car.  She drove.  By herself, well, sort of, because the 4 children just mentioned were in the car behind her.

By now you have heard that many of your prayers have been answered.  The children still live, they have been moderately to well behaved and everyone has been having fun.  Praise God.  You cleaned a couple rooms in the house.  You have prayed.  things are going well.  You are working 10+ hours a day, focused on work.  The temptation is to slack here, but you need to stay strong.  stay with the plan.  You need to keep praying and keep cleaning.  I now have the kitchen, dining room, breakfast area and living room clean.  I will vacuum later.  what else can be done that would be loving your wife while she is away.  You are 2 days into this.  You still aren’t used to being alone and you feel weird in such a quiet house.

This is on the romance side today.  Tomorrow I will be back to more practical things.  You need to text her and call her just so she knows you are thinking about her.  It is really no effort to text her a quick “I miss you” or an “I love you” or “You make me smile” or “you totally rock me”.  No effort on your side and huge returns as far as letting her know that you are enamoured by her, that you love her and can’t wait to see her again.

Now don’t be psycho with this and don’t be annoying and blowing up her phone every few minutes.  Just randomly throughout the day, take just a minute or two and text her.  Or call her.  or if you are real smooth and you are on the same network, send her a voice mail to her phone rather than dial it directly.  Leave her a simple and sweet message, encouraging her and just letting her know that she is on your mind.

It would be easy for her to think that things are just easier for you alone, but are they?  No they aren’t.  You are alone.  Your children are gone.  Your quiver is momentarily empty.  This is a picture of your life without them.  Do you find that you have taken them for granted? That you have taken her for granted?  Do you usually clean the house? do the dishes? bathe the children? mow the lawn? do the laundry? cook? feed the kids? clothe the children? buy their clothes? shop for groceries?  If you do, good.  If not, then this week is a good picture of all the things that maybe she takes care of and you don’t have to.  If you take her for granted, then think about how your life would be if it was just you by yourself.  Or you and your children without her.  God created you a mate.  A help mate.  Not a slave or a servant, but someone that completes and compliments you and rounds you out in all your faults.  Appreciate your wife.  and as you appreciate her, put some of those thoughts into words in a text, in a note, in a voice mail, in an email…

And if you were wanting to really, really go all out… (I have not done this mind you… yet) send her a handwritten letter, by mail.  with a stamp.  in secret.  while she is on travel or even while she is at home. and send it in the actual mail.  don’t hand it to her.  let her get it from the mailbox, preferably while you are not there peering over her shoulder trying to see how many points you are about to get.  Just do it and don’t mention it.

You probably did this before you got married.  now you need to do it again.

Love your wife.  text her, voicemail her, write her, woo her, send her a letter. let her know in your own words what she means and is to you and how much God has blessed your life through her.

It will change you.  It will change her.  You will be blessed. Just made it.  11:58pm tuesday.

til tomorrows tip, Lord Willing. good night.

when she is on travel with your children…

Brandi is in Michigan with the kids for 9 days.  The first thing that I said you should do for your wife to love her while she is traveling with those wonderful little bundles of love you have together is to Pray for her.  She needs that, she needs to know that you are doing that, that you are supporting her.

The next thing you need to do…

what do you think?

remember, we are thinking points here…

Ok, I’ll help you.

#2 is…

Clean!

Look, you are home alone, you are not surrounded by little eyes looking at you, asking you questions.  You are not doing all the things that they require.  but she is.  And so, while she is gone, instead of camping in front of the TV the whole time, pick a room, and start cleaning.  Today I did the kitchen.  Got the dishes done, cleaned the counters, crumb catchers, all that.  cleaned the sink and the stove.  took care of the junk on the counters.  trashed stuff that could be trashed, stacked that which needed to be sorted.  these are things that, first of all, will not get messed up by anyone but you while she is gone with the children.  So, that means, if you clean it up, it should stay clean until you mess it up again, then clean it again.

think of how happy your wife will be when she walks in the door, fearing the looming mess that might be waiting for her after her long drive and to come into a house where things have been taken care of and cleaned up since last she saw it.  That makes a world of difference to her and it will make a world of difference to you in the points arena.  Not that it’s about points, but since guys like to keep scores, it gives you something to do.  But remember, you can never, ever, even think about, keeping a tally on your points and then using that for your own gain with her.  She will redeem your points at her own pace.  be patient young grasshopper.

So, divide the number of house rooms by the number of days she will be gone and give that many rooms a good neatening, straightening, cleaning, sweeping, dusting each day until they are all done.  You are a guy for heaven’s sake, you are not going to use every room of the house every day.  And with that little work effort, you will present a nice, clean, peaceful and inviting house to your wife who is coming in off the 10 hour road trip and would likely just want a clean house that doesn’t have to be worried about and probably, after all that driving and talking and correcting, a nice bath and a massage.

Yes, bathrooms count too.  You should start on those first.

til tomorrow, Lord willing…

While she is on travel with your children… without you.

For those that don’t know, Brandi and the kids left for Michigan yesterday.  I have a large amount of work to do for a project and will be working a lot of overtime this week.  We go to Michigan every July 4th for a week and this year I just can’t swing it due to workload and schedule.  But the kids will get to see grandparents and uncle Willa and Aunt Monaca and do all those things that kids like to do with folks that aren’t quite as anti-fun as Brandi and I, like getting candy bars at 10 in the morning and learning how to wipe their noses on their sleeves, etc.

Back to the point.  Loving your wife.  I don’t have this down, figured out, dialed in or anything, but I might have some advice that might be helpful to you. How to maintain and even gain points while she is away.  Not that it is really about points, but points are something that us guys can understand.  More points, good, less points bad.  except in golf, but don’t get distracted.  Think Basketball, football, soccer, hockey.  Full contact sports.  ah, that’s better.  ok now, Put yourself in this situation:  Your wife, the love of your life, has just loaded up a car with 4 children and headed out on a 10 hour drive to your parents house.  Without you.  BY CHOICE.  to let you have time to work and focus on a project that is way behind with a looming deadline.  To go to YOUR mom’s house. (Brandi loves my mom, so this is really no big deal).  But you get the picture.

You get a quarter point for loading the car, a quarter point for setting up the kids with a DVD player.  You are now at half a point.  What does your wife need at this moment, heading out on the road more than anything else?  No it is not a drink or a pill.  Nope not ear plugs, but that was a good try Dave.

what do you think?  think hard…  going away for 9 days.  10 hours in car.  solo with YOUR kids.  oh, and they are YOUR kids at this moment.

any more guesses?

I’m listening….

anything?

She…

Needs…

You…

To…

PRAY.

So, you lean towards the window that’s open, you put your hand gently behind her head and draw her forehead to yours and you pray over her and YOUR children and the ride and the car and the traffic and for safety and obedience and patience and God’s hand and grace over them as they travel and that God would return them to you, safely, unharmed, as His will directs.

You love your wife at this moment by praying for her, with her.  and you pray throughout the day and days ahead that all goes well, that none of your children die by her hand (or anything else) and that this vacation is exactly that, a refreshing, relaxing time, even though you are not there to enjoy them and her.

That is tip #1… stay tuned, tip #2 will come later today as I got started with this a day late.