I know that I have abandoned this place. There have been lots of distractions and lots of other activity that have demanded my time. I am currently reading a book, actually several books, but one book in particular - The Call - by Os Guinness. It is really the central question of my life right now. What am I to do. What is or has God called me to. Obviously God has called me to being a follower of Christ. However, past that, what have I been called to, what is my purpose and meaning. The book discusses the concept of calling and what it has meant in the past and what it has been twisted into today. He also looks at the effects of calling by using examples from the past and then looks at the effects of how modern interpretations of calling or the lack of attending to calling has affected culture and meaning today. So, I am reading and praying that I would know what it is that my life is for, or rather, what it is that I can not only live for, but also die for. I don’t know what this looks like and it may just be a changed viewpoint on where God already has me. However, I wonder if maybe I have been brought to this point in my life where I have had moderate success and attained good income and found it to be empty (though comfortable) if there is not something more that I am supposed to be about, supposed to be attending to. I don’t need more to do mind you. I am wondering what it is instead of what I’m doing that is my calling, or if where I am with different mindset is where I’m supposed to be. It comes down to wanting to be where God would have me and making myself available for Him to use and also open to moving if He so chooses. I’m not so good at the hearing and the interpreting, so I must diligently pray and listen and watch for what He is doing and moving. More to come I’m sure.
Lately life has been hard. Not just in experience and circumstance, but in deciphering and discerning. Before I begin, let me say that I don’t mean that our lives have been hard in the sense that we are in the midst of trials and tribulations to the extent that one sees on the news, especially about the conditions and circumstances in other countries. I don’t mean in the sense that we don’t have all that we need or that we are hungry or cold or sick. I mean hard in the average, spoiled, self centered sort of hard that many are prone to fall into.
What do I have to complain about? Not much. I have a beautiful wife that loves me. 3 children that I adore and love and they in return love me. I have a great job. I have great friends. I go to a great church. I live in a great neighborhood in an ok town. I have clean water in my tap to drink, cook and bathe with. I live in a great house. I make a great amount of money.
All those things should weigh in and make my life bright and sunny, blue skies, no rain. joy, joy, joy. But that is not my current experience.
So when I say hard, I mean hard in the sense that i am trying to figure out why I am where I am emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. Hard in the sense that my middle daughter has some emotional difficulties that I don’t feel equipped to handle, rather I feel I often make them worse. Hard in that I have no satisfaction in my job and the work that I do. Hard in that I desire to do something else, yet find that the change in jobs would bring about a change in income that I am not sure I am willing to accept right now.
There are many things at work here. I believe that God should be the center and core of my life. I don’t know that this is so. I strongly desire to follow Him with reckless abandon, but then there would be some discomfort. Where does that leave me? What does that mean? Moreover, what does that really look like with me, my wife and 3 kids?
I don’t believe that my satisfaction needs to come from my work. yet I find myself increasingly unsatisfied with the work that I am doing and I wonder what I should be doing? I wonder what God wants me to do? I have a desire to do something minstry related, whether that is pastoring or writing, or serving, I don’t know, but I have not been able to shake the feeling.
I have a desire to work in a more creative role as far as graphics and computers, yet I don’t know if that is a gift that wants to be released or if it is just me wanting to do something else? I wonder if I’m good enough? I wonder if I am deceiving myself? I wonder if I am losing my mind?
Am I disciplined enough to be in ministry? what type? If pastoral, would that become too repetitive, monotonous? writing and giving sermons week in and week out? Could I stand the pain and the sorrow? Could I be strong enough for the arrows? Do I have thick enough skin? Would I depend on God enough? Do I now? Would I be better as a speaker and a writer? Could I make it through Seminary? would my family?
Can I really discern what I need to do? What God is pushing me towards? I don’t know. Life is busy. My own corporate work. A photography business on the side. 3 kids. What is there room for?
I am scared to pursue some of my interests because I know that there are limitations and emptiness to them. I’m not sure if that is guilt. But if you love 3D graphics and most of your time is creating and experiencing 3D worlds and interactions, then isn’t that just a substitute for a real life? Is there really any eternal value in that at all? Is there any value in the corporate life?
I’m scared to get on a path because I am so flaky. So flighty. I am prone to do “this” for a while and then go and do “that” I don’t know how I will do pursuing something for a longer term. I learn quickly, I think I bore quickly too. How can I find something that serves me in both variety and in creativity.
Life becomes hard when it moves past the pursuit of survival into the pursuit of fulfillment and meaning. We are truly blessed here to even have this consideration. But it fails to make the decisions and the wondering any less severe.
I want to know what to do that will fulfill me. In doing that, I want it to glorify God, not just be something that I want to do for me.
God help me find something that matches both my desire for you and for art and creativity you have given me. Help me use it for your glory. Help me find something with variety, that your glory would be shown in a multitude of ways. God help me. Amen.
tom
I have been gone a couple weeks from here. Frustrating I know, but for sure more for me than for you. Pursuit is the focus of this blog, whether it is the pursuit of God, writing, reading, technology, material things, happiness. I’m in a struggle to identify my pursuit. I am in a struggle to fight against my fears. I am faced with decisions and dreams that need to be made, that need to be followed or forgotten. In 7th grade (and even earlier) I started a pursuit of art. I loved art. I was not great, but I enjoyed the creativity and the challenge. In 12th grade I switched to drafting as I wasn’t likely to make anything in art. Well, 20 years later, I’m finding that the need to create, to be creative is rooted deep and I cannot escape it. Changes in my work have taken me farther and farther from the creative element and left me questioning where I am, my purpose, my goals, my desires and my motivations. I have been on a trip this past week, and I’ve done a lot of thinking. I have outlined the rest of The TreeHouse. I’m not sure when I will work on that. I have other things more pressing. Resumes and Letters to draft, portfolios to create, a photography business to attend to. The TreeHouse will come along as it can.
There are fears to fight. Fear of failure, fear of expectations, fear of rejection. These things paralyze me into non-action. It is easier to stay where I am, miserable, than to try to get out. So, I have battles to wage, mainly against myself. I have things to think through and compromises to consider. I am at a hard place, and staying positive and focused is difficult because the obstacles seem so huge, so overwhelming, that I just want to go to sleep. As I have been going along, I’m tired. And by the time I have time to write, nothing flows. even now. So I will post as I can. Pray for me. I am at a fork in the road. I have already taken the one more traveled, will I take the one less? That is a fear in itself.
one might think that I have again left the blogosphere. Not so. I have been consumed of events of late, and by the time that I get to the computer screen, I have nothing to say, nor the energy to say it. I am drowning in busy-ness and it is frustrating. I feel like a plate spinner at the circus. There is a lot of tension, a lot of tasks and a lot of thoughts. work life, home life, parenting, side job, church.
I’m tired and yet I must press on. I must press on. soon I will make some deadlines for producing some more writing, but there are still some other things that must be addressed in our personal and business life. Once I attend to those, I hope to return to regular writings, especially through the accountability of my fellow encouragers.
I hope to be here soon.
tom
I am not really ignoring this area. I’m just really busy. We are preparing our taxes and getting the final collection of docs for the photog business in. I am looking at some different technology pieces of software for taking our cool web slideshows and making DVD’s for our clients, which has been a popular request. I am dealing with being sick, again and my kids being sick, again, and it is all tiring and draining. I’m making albums and cards for clients. I’m backing up the last of 2007 weddings to DVD (anyone have some good backup schemes for massive amounts of photography data?), I’m chasing children around the house. I’m trying to have conversations with my oldest child. So much stuff. And I’m trying to make sure I keep things in perspective and prioritize.
One thing I’m not getting lately… quiet time with God. prayer time. time in his word. It’s still go, go, go from morning to night. This must stop. I have to get that time, it will impact the rest of my life, especially where I am falling down in parenting and husbanding, my two most critical roles.
soon the sun will come out, the weather will warm and health will be restored. I hope that I can figure out how to carve up my time to make sure that God is a part of. If I believe, truly believe that is critical, then I should truly work to make it happen and make it a priority.
And then, after all that… there are things to write about.
good night.
tom
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