I’m a bit late on finishing up this series. Not because of lack of interest in finishing it, nor even for lack of ideas, but actually for wanting to make sure that these last 2 tips I leave you with will benefit you and make the most difference in your life and in your marriage.

I contemplated leaving you with some other just practical do’s and don’ts or maybe just some more little things that you can do really at any time to show your wife that you love her. Like taking the kids for the day, on a Saturday so she can go to a day spa. That would be an excellent idea. A sub tip to that would be to never ever under any circumstances refer to your taking the kids as babysitting. You are a father, if you are blessed to have kids and caring for your children is not babysitting, it’s called parenting and you share the responsibility with your wife. Every time you refer to your own responsibility of the kids as babysitting, you demean the task that your wife attends to every single day. I know not many men that will take on, let alone look forward to a weekend with their children on their own. If this is you and you avoid such events, you miss a great opportunity to give your wife a break and you miss a great blessing and experience of being with your children closely for a day or two and getting to know them closer than your normal day to day life. Don’t joke about drugging them with Benadryl either, you need your wife to know that you love and cherish the children you have together and you should not refer to them as a nuisance or a burden, they are your children, a blessing from the Lord.

While all that is good and could be expounded upon to the point worthy of a post, I need to point you elsewhere for better return on your investment. For the Christian husband, there is more than just doing and serving your wife in these tangible ways. As the head, leader, covering of your wife and your family, there is something else that you can do that will allow you to love your wife in ways that are beyond this world.

What do you think that might be?

What can you do daily to love your wife well?

What will make your relationship stronger and help you understand what Love truly is?

Any guesses?

Read the Word.

For the Christian husband, there is no other source that will feed your soul like the regular reading of God’s Word. For the Husband that hopes to honor Christ greatly in the way the he lives and loves during the short time he has here on this earth, God’s Word provides a lifetime of study and example of what it is to love well. There is no greater love that what Jesus showed to us through the Cross, that while we were still ugly sinnners and undeserving of any love, He died, willingly, to love us and to free us and to make sure that we were eternally satisfied in Him, not in ourselves.

The world will tell you that to be loved is to be made much of. John Piper in Blazing Center goes to great lengths to show this is the message of the world and that the love defined in the bible is the love that goes to great lengths and great costs to oneself to ensure that someone else sees and savors that which is fully satisfying. This is done in a variety of ways.

You will not find this instruction or example anywhere else in the world, nor in many marriage or self help books that promise to improve your relationships in a number of easy steps. The instruction and example is shown most brightly in Christ and that in God’s Word through which he reveals himself to us. If you are not reading the Word of God, you are getting your definition of Love from some other source and that other source is likely faulty and less satisfying in the long run.

I admonish you to read the Word, to learn who God is, to learn about His Son and the way that He loved us before we were ever lovable and see the way that God loves first, before He gives any command, and you will see how you are to love your wife and extend grace to her, when she deserves it and when she does not… especially when she does not… because you don’t deserve the grace you have been given either.

Read His Word…

It will change you. It will change her. God will get the glory.

Til next time, Lord Willing, Tom

This will be a short one.  But important just the same.

You know the drill.  if not, go back and read tips 1-5 and catch up.  Just click above on incontinuouspursuit.com and get to the main blog and read up.  then come along…

Ok, so your wife is on travel with your four children.  For me this is getting old because I really want them to be home now, I miss them.

Today the way that you can love your wife is to make her safe, to take care of her.  HuH?  How’s that?

Make sure that she is taken care of, even if you aren’t there.  That means forethought, maybe spending a little money, maybe thinking about the future a little bit.  We have had used cars for a while.  Last year we got a newer model car, just a year old.  Before that we had a 10 year old van and of course, the ever present and dependable 1993 Honda civic steed of choice… Buster.  That’s his name, bet you didn’t know that.

Well, having the older cars, I decided we had better get some road side service just in case.  So over a year ago I signed up for the premo AAA membership.  It was a splurge, but it has paid for itself twice already this year.  We decided to keep the membership even with the new van that my wife drives.  Today I am glad that we did.

Brandi blew out a tire on the interstate going 70 miles an hour.  The van stayed under control and she was able to get off at an exit and to the top of the ramp.  Praise God.  She was not hurt, nor our children.  Praise God.

Next, she didn’t have to wonder or stress about what to do, just had to call AAA.  They were there for her, got someone there in 20 minutes and got her underway.  All that because I thought ahead about how she should be taken care of if I wasn’t there to do so.

Do you think about these types of things? How you would want your wife taken care of if you weren’t there to do it?  It might be a car issue, it might be something you do in case something happens to you or it might be the arrangements you make for her on a trip.

Start thinking today about the things that you can put in place that will show your wife that you cherish her and that you are taking care of her, even when you are not there.  If you wait until something happens, it might be too late, you will have missed the chance.

Continue to pray for her.  continue to seek out ways to serve her.  And take care of her.  Of all the things you have in the world, I hope that you treasure her the most.

It will change you, it will change her.  Love her well.

til tomorrow. tom

Here we are again… I seem to have come down with a bit of a cold and crashed after work.  But, not to let you, the avid and eager reader down, here is tip #5.  It may be the hardest one yet.  And I really don’t like Laundry.

So, we are on day 5 of your wife being gone.  You miss her and your children and you are tired.  Things are stressful.  During your conversations on the phone, you say something that upsets your wife, or disappoints her, or possibly you are impatient, or any number of things that could happen in such a conversation as they do when you are home.  Remember, these tips aren’t titled, Love your wife when she is gone, they are loving your wife, period, the situation just happens to be that she is on travel at the moment.

So anyway, you can tell that you have disappointed her or snapped at her, or made a poor decision.  At this moment, you have 2 choices.  you can land the plane or you can crash it.  You can ride the bike over the cliff, or you can get off the bike.

Pride, you worst enemy, yourself, will keep you on the bike, defending your position, your action or your desire.  And it will take you into the ground if you let it.  At a high rate of speed or a slow one.  Yesterday we talked about humility and serving a little bit.  Here is another case.

What do you need to do?

You gonna ride the bike?

Or get off the bike?

repeat after me…

Honey, I’m sorry that I <insert the description of whatever you did>, please forgive me.

Step away from pride.  Do not puff up at her disappointment or anger or pursue your own anger.  Humble yourself.  Pray for humility.  And genuinely ask forgiveness.

I’m not saying to do things just to do things.  But if you realize that you messed up, you made a mistake, you got snippy, you got impatient… fill in the blank, then you be the first one to say that you are sorry, you be the first one to humble yourself and offer the sacrifice of your pride and flesh and admit it.  You take the first step.

It is good for you to take the first step here when it is your fault, because humility is what we need to seek.  We are nothing and we often take ourselves too seriously.  And if you can lay down your pride and take the first step, then it will be easier to take the first step in forgiveness when she hurts or disappoints you.

This too is biblical.  You did not apologize or do anything towards God prior to Jesus dying on the Cross for you.  No matter where you were in Time, God’s plan was in place.  Romans 5 talks about how while we were sinners (which is now, and yesterday and tomorrow) Christ died for us.  We were ugly and in our sin and He still paid that price, humbled himself, who had no sin, went first to the cross and endured it to death, to forgive us.  Because of this, how much more so, we who are sinners, we who are faulty, should we be willing to humble ourselves to say we are sorry and to offer forgiveness when we either trespass and transgress against our wives, or when they do so to us.

Let us love our wives by following the example.  Be the first to move out in humility, whether in slaughtering your own pride, or neutralizing that of someone elses.

I can guarantee you, that if you stay on the bike, you will be ensuring hours, days, years of strife in your marriage.  but if you get off the bike, disable your pride, you will not only endear yourself to your wife as a humble man who follows Christ, but you will be an example that may soften her and you may also be a means to her humbly following after the Lord as well.  I don’t know your situation, but I know mine and I am in need of more grace and humility.

It will change you, it may change her and it will glorify God foremost.

til later today… love you all.

tom

So, still following along?  This is where it starts to get painful for some of you and this is where we need to start looking a bit more at some biblical examples.  Stick with me though, the reward is great, the joy is greater and the glory is God’s.  You wouldn’t selflessly do anything on your own anyway.  Selfishly maybe, but not selflessly.

You know the drill.  Your wife has gone on a trip.  You want to show her how much you love her.  This is a hard measure since she has taken your four children.  I want to keep reiterating that.  She was in the midst of serving you by going on vacation when you couldn’t due to work.  So how do you out do her in love and generosity.  It’s a tall order.

Ok, so take a look around the house.  We cleaned the first floor so far.  A few things left to do, empty the dishwasher, clean the newly dirtied dishes.   You sent her some sweet texts today, and if you really put your heart into it, you started writing a hand written letter.  Yes, with neat lettering.  None of that chicken scratch stuff you write your list for Home Depot with.  Also, you are continuing to pray for her as now she is a couple days into the trip, the kids are getting settled and back into their element in their new location.  You need to continue to pray for peace and safety and health, because your father also came home from Spain with some stomach bug.  Not cool.  She needs support and discernment and perseverance.

So what else can you do to tangibly love her.  Have you taken a look in the Laundry room?  Chances are that she did a bunch of laundry getting ready to go, but likely only the loads that needed to be done for filling the suitcases.  And likely that was in the last day before she left because with 4 children, things are just crazy.  Yeah, that’s right, you see where I am going.  Have you been in the laundry room lately?  Well, I hope so.  You should at least know how to operate these 2 pieces of machinery.

The next tip is… Do the Laundry

So, what would be wonderful for your wife?  For her return to start out at zero.  Zero Laundry.  Except of course for that which they bring home with them, but if you know your wife, she probably did most of the laundry before coming home so the kids would have something that fit to wear the next day.  That lady is such a planner.  But if you think about it, she also did it because there was laundry at home and she didn’t want to start out too far behind.  But you are going to do one better.  Aren’t you?

So, you sort the laundry.  NO, reds do not go in with the WHITES.  You sort the colors and whites and towels and you start a load.  Yes, check the soap level silly, you remember what happened to the Brady kids when they put too much soap in the washer?  Yeah, don’t do that or you will undo all your points and end up in the negative zone.

Anyway, Laundry is that thing that you can do and do something else.  You know, modern technology.  Wash the laundry, do something else.  Since no children are around, you can then take care of the dishes while the clothes wash.  Hint, Hint.  then what?

Well, then you put those in the next big metal box, the dryer.  Then put the next load in the washer.  Repeat.  Finish cleaning the bathrooms.  remember the tip to clean?  Clean the bathrooms.  You should have a good 45 min to an hour to do so.  You are a guy.  You are generally disgusting.  Clean the bathrooms, for her sake.  And for yours.

Now.  the next thing is to actually get the laundry out of those plastic containers that are called baskets and fold it.  This is often best done efficiently on your bed or on your dining room table.  Get everything folded and sorted by who it belongs to.  Then do something absolutely crazy… don’t put it back into the basket and stack them in the corner.  Actually go into your children’s rooms and put the clothes away, then put her clothes away and then sort all those tiny socks and put the towels in the linen closet if you have one, or wherever you put them.

Yes, take care of her undergarments. find out where they go and put them there.  Chances are you may not know where any of these things go because you might live out of a basket, or you may have the incorrect belief that little laundry fairies do your laundry and put it away every week. That little washer gnomes come and collect your socks and underwear off the floor where you left them and they suddenly reappear in your drawer ready to wear.

All that is tongue in cheek.  You probably do laundry. You probably take care of it.  You may even do all of it.  But if this is a totally foreign idea to you… I would follow the directions above and have all the laundry done before she arrives. and not just washed and dried, but also put away and taken care of in it’s right place.  don’t mess up drawers or closets.  No throwing it in and slamming the door.  That will just de-point you and that is not the point.  The point is to love your wife.

Is this biblical?  Yes.  We are called to serve our wives.  We are called to love them as our own bodies.  Read Ephesians 5 again.  You like the laundry done for you.  It is time to return the favor.  If you are thinking your are unable or above doing the laundry, then read the chapter again.  Nothing done in your house is below you as the husband.  You are the servant leader.  You lead by serving and in her absence, serve her by handling all the things you are tempted to leave for her.

I promise, it will be worth it.  And if it isn’t?  Well, you weren’t called to serve if it was fair or convenient.  We were called to serve and love and cherish and provide.  We gravitate towards the provision at the expense of the others.  humble yourself and serve her.

It will change you. It will change her.  You will never be the same and God will be honored.  But don’t do it for the points.  Do it in obedience and do it to love her.  If your heart is not in it, or if you are doing any of these things upon conditions in your mind, you have already lost the battle.

More tomorrow.  get to folding.  and remember.  Not too much soap…

ha, thought I missed today? I’m just under the wire. well, I hope by the time I get this posted it is still today, but with 20 minutes of today left, we’ll see what I can do.

The subject… loving your wife.  The situation… your wife went on vacation without you to let you finish a project at work.  She took your 4 children. 10 years, 5 years, 3 years and 6 months.  Without you.  To your mom’s house. 9-10 hours away by car.  She drove.  By herself, well, sort of, because the 4 children just mentioned were in the car behind her.

By now you have heard that many of your prayers have been answered.  The children still live, they have been moderately to well behaved and everyone has been having fun.  Praise God.  You cleaned a couple rooms in the house.  You have prayed.  things are going well.  You are working 10+ hours a day, focused on work.  The temptation is to slack here, but you need to stay strong.  stay with the plan.  You need to keep praying and keep cleaning.  I now have the kitchen, dining room, breakfast area and living room clean.  I will vacuum later.  what else can be done that would be loving your wife while she is away.  You are 2 days into this.  You still aren’t used to being alone and you feel weird in such a quiet house.

This is on the romance side today.  Tomorrow I will be back to more practical things.  You need to text her and call her just so she knows you are thinking about her.  It is really no effort to text her a quick “I miss you” or an “I love you” or “You make me smile” or “you totally rock me”.  No effort on your side and huge returns as far as letting her know that you are enamoured by her, that you love her and can’t wait to see her again.

Now don’t be psycho with this and don’t be annoying and blowing up her phone every few minutes.  Just randomly throughout the day, take just a minute or two and text her.  Or call her.  or if you are real smooth and you are on the same network, send her a voice mail to her phone rather than dial it directly.  Leave her a simple and sweet message, encouraging her and just letting her know that she is on your mind.

It would be easy for her to think that things are just easier for you alone, but are they?  No they aren’t.  You are alone.  Your children are gone.  Your quiver is momentarily empty.  This is a picture of your life without them.  Do you find that you have taken them for granted? That you have taken her for granted?  Do you usually clean the house? do the dishes? bathe the children? mow the lawn? do the laundry? cook? feed the kids? clothe the children? buy their clothes? shop for groceries?  If you do, good.  If not, then this week is a good picture of all the things that maybe she takes care of and you don’t have to.  If you take her for granted, then think about how your life would be if it was just you by yourself.  Or you and your children without her.  God created you a mate.  A help mate.  Not a slave or a servant, but someone that completes and compliments you and rounds you out in all your faults.  Appreciate your wife.  and as you appreciate her, put some of those thoughts into words in a text, in a note, in a voice mail, in an email…

And if you were wanting to really, really go all out… (I have not done this mind you… yet) send her a handwritten letter, by mail.  with a stamp.  in secret.  while she is on travel or even while she is at home. and send it in the actual mail.  don’t hand it to her.  let her get it from the mailbox, preferably while you are not there peering over her shoulder trying to see how many points you are about to get.  Just do it and don’t mention it.

You probably did this before you got married.  now you need to do it again.

Love your wife.  text her, voicemail her, write her, woo her, send her a letter. let her know in your own words what she means and is to you and how much God has blessed your life through her.

It will change you.  It will change her.  You will be blessed. Just made it.  11:58pm tuesday.

til tomorrows tip, Lord Willing. good night.