HomeI took a week off. a few posts on twitter which auto-magically appears in face-book, but other than that and a few google look ups for locations and times for different things, i took the week off. I made very few phone calls. I sort of disappeared from the world and the world is still going by. It’s a good thing to realize from time to time. We are little. insignificant. We don’t sustain anything, actually, we are being sustained, from moment to moment, we are sustained and there is nothing that we are sustaining other than our little charade of pretending we have control.
of course, in some ways we do have control. I came down here and decided to write. I didn’t even know what it is that I would write, but I had a little snippet of an idea, that I haven’t even gotten to yet. We make real decisions and deal with real consequences and we go down paths that may or may not be good for us. But from day to day, we can get wrapped up in the fact that we have to keep this all going. i know that I do. I have a certain number of plates spinning at any one time and I feel often that I can’t stop. That all that I’ve done will come crashing down, that all I’ve worked for will be lost. But alas, it doesn’t. not usually. this past week was a test in that. I disconnected just to see what would happen. I didn’t want to.
I had the normal long list of things to do, but my family was going on vacation and I thought it best to be with them, enjoying them, getting time with my children, to lay on the floor and play memory, to watch movies with them, to blow bubbles with them, to walk with them. I enjoyed it. I really did. I left all the work here at the house. I took nothing but some music and some books to read. No disk drives to backup, no data to sort. nothing except family and refueling.
Am I refreshed? I don’t know. I don’t feel energized, which in the beginning is what I wanted to result. I do feel that I have had some time of contemplation, to sort out thoughts, to search some of what makes me tick (it’s ugly). I feel a bit more stable and less ragged, but the energy I wanted to take another run at it is not there and that is probably good.
So, there in north Georgia, by the lake, we played and laughed and talked and slept and ate. We ate very well thanks to poppy manning the kitchen for the week. I read, from the bible and from a book I’ve been working on for a while. The Reason for God by Tim Keller. Like other books that happen my way (purposefully) at specific times in my life, this one has captivated my attention for the time being. Not because it has shown me the key to peace or tranquility in some formula, but because it is a means that God has used to illuminate the gospel to me and make it anew again.
So now we come to why I wanted to write today. thoughts and perculating ideas that have been sitting there for a couple days. I am so frustrated with books that intend to give you new and easy methods for gaining new spiritual insight, to take you to new heights, to make you better. I am one that is always looking to improve something, whether it be knowledge or insight or whatever. To my delight, this is not one of those books. In many places it reached down deep into my soul, my gut and pulled out things that I couldn’t bring myself to say, to concede, and for that I am thankful.
For one, all those books and methods and approaches are really just attempts to get desired results, often (not always) of our own effort. And human nature is to do things of our own effort. For instance, when I watch a movie that inspires me (the author used similar examples) I am often moved to want to live better, love better, work harder to be what has been portrayed to me. For some hours or days this may be the case, but eventually that passion and desire fades and I go back into my same patterns. I find that this happens over and over again and that no effort of my will is able to sustain that which I think I want and need and desire to do. Eventually my will fails. This can be seen in so many areas of my life. Physical fitness, work, bible reading, quiet time, training my children, etc. etc. etc. The mantra “Just Do It” only works until you “just don’t”.
All that is true in part. I’m a fallen man, a sinner. I am faulty, messed up. I have some good traits, some bad traits, but left to my own self, I’m bent on self destruction. I don’t say that helplessly or hopelessly. I recognize that I have done good things. I know the bad things that I’ve done. I know the bad things I’m tempted to do and the only hope and light I have is the forgiveness of Christ. Because of this broken nature, I’m unable to always carry out the things that I want to f0r good, and I’m able to do things that I don’t want to do and vice versa and upside down. Read Romans 6&7 to get a good feel for that. I am broken, messed up. So when I decide that I’m going to will my way to being good or different or better, it usually fails. And the enemy is right there to point out that I failed. And, I usually listen. But I have noticed something. I have noticed something that I can only attribute to the reality of justification and sanctification, bible words that mean essentially “forgiven and accepted” and “continuously changed”. You see, I’m noticing that I will fail to carry out my will. What I also notice is that although my will fails and I do not execute perfection, there are small pieces of whatever it is that are collecting that are changing me minutely, molding me into something new.
Huh? well, when I watch a movie, say “PS I love you”. I’m impacted. I want to love my wife like that, that much, that romantically, and care for her, etc. etc. etc. and I resolve that I am going to do so because life is short. In reality, it doesn’t happen like I see it and I don’t live and stay at that level of emotion and romance and love like I would like to. It’s a good feeling, but we weren’t meant to exist at that level, at least not of earthly relationships. However, I take pieces of that beauty, that truth, that image of love and it becomes part of me. It illuminates something in me that is important to me and strikes a chord in me.
The same is true with the gospel and with Christianity. I have tried time and time again to be more resolute, committed, disciplined. The truth is, I’m just not those things and it really bugs me. I’m not an early riser that is a thinking cognitive person early. I lose a lot of brain power before night time and the day is filled with distraction. I center and focus on what I need to do, who I need to be and less about Who Christ is and What HE has done. So, I pour audio into my ears during the day, whether it be my MP3 ESV bible or sermons or teaching, in the car, at work, where ever, I try to soak up as much as I can. and I rip myself up about the performance thing. I’m not doing what I think I need to be doing. I’m not performing how I set out in my will to do, get up early or stay up late. run a crazy schedule. something eventually burns out. it’s me. BUT God… (awesome words in the bible)… God continually sanctifies us. I am changed, bit by bit, tiny as it may be. a little bit here, a correction there, better theology over here, illumination over there and a clearer picture of the Christian life starts to emerge and replace the human tradition and religious tendencies.
I’m not trying to give a cop out for lack of discipline, I’m rejoicing in God’s faithfulness in light of my weaknesses and unfaithfulness. Praise God for His sovereign work over us.
tomorrow or the next day I will write about some new perspectives on the gospel and on forgiveness that I gained from the book, not new revelations and interpretations, but what I think are things I missed these 13 years and failed to understand. I recommend that everyone try to read the book, whether a skeptic, aetheist or christian, it is a good read that will bring good conversation both internally and externally.
it is hard to discuss pieces when the book is really a well thought out journey along a logical train of thought. The pieces are digestible, but they are so much better in context with the whole book.
