pursuit
Ξ May 4th, 2008 | → 1 Comments | ∇ Pursuit |
Lately life has been hard. Not just in experience and circumstance, but in deciphering and discerning. Before I begin, let me say that I don’t mean that our lives have been hard in the sense that we are in the midst of trials and tribulations to the extent that one sees on the news, especially about the conditions and circumstances in other countries. I don’t mean in the sense that we don’t have all that we need or that we are hungry or cold or sick. I mean hard in the average, spoiled, self centered sort of hard that many are prone to fall into.
What do I have to complain about? Not much. I have a beautiful wife that loves me. 3 children that I adore and love and they in return love me. I have a great job. I have great friends. I go to a great church. I live in a great neighborhood in an ok town. I have clean water in my tap to drink, cook and bathe with. I live in a great house. I make a great amount of money.
All those things should weigh in and make my life bright and sunny, blue skies, no rain. joy, joy, joy. But that is not my current experience.
So when I say hard, I mean hard in the sense that i am trying to figure out why I am where I am emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. Hard in the sense that my middle daughter has some emotional difficulties that I don’t feel equipped to handle, rather I feel I often make them worse. Hard in that I have no satisfaction in my job and the work that I do. Hard in that I desire to do something else, yet find that the change in jobs would bring about a change in income that I am not sure I am willing to accept right now.
There are many things at work here. I believe that God should be the center and core of my life. I don’t know that this is so. I strongly desire to follow Him with reckless abandon, but then there would be some discomfort. Where does that leave me? What does that mean? Moreover, what does that really look like with me, my wife and 3 kids?
I don’t believe that my satisfaction needs to come from my work. yet I find myself increasingly unsatisfied with the work that I am doing and I wonder what I should be doing? I wonder what God wants me to do? I have a desire to do something minstry related, whether that is pastoring or writing, or serving, I don’t know, but I have not been able to shake the feeling.
I have a desire to work in a more creative role as far as graphics and computers, yet I don’t know if that is a gift that wants to be released or if it is just me wanting to do something else? I wonder if I’m good enough? I wonder if I am deceiving myself? I wonder if I am losing my mind?
Am I disciplined enough to be in ministry? what type? If pastoral, would that become too repetitive, monotonous? writing and giving sermons week in and week out? Could I stand the pain and the sorrow? Could I be strong enough for the arrows? Do I have thick enough skin? Would I depend on God enough? Do I now? Would I be better as a speaker and a writer? Could I make it through Seminary? would my family?
Can I really discern what I need to do? What God is pushing me towards? I don’t know. Life is busy. My own corporate work. A photography business on the side. 3 kids. What is there room for?
I am scared to pursue some of my interests because I know that there are limitations and emptiness to them. I’m not sure if that is guilt. But if you love 3D graphics and most of your time is creating and experiencing 3D worlds and interactions, then isn’t that just a substitute for a real life? Is there really any eternal value in that at all? Is there any value in the corporate life?
I’m scared to get on a path because I am so flaky. So flighty. I am prone to do “this” for a while and then go and do “that” I don’t know how I will do pursuing something for a longer term. I learn quickly, I think I bore quickly too. How can I find something that serves me in both variety and in creativity.
Life becomes hard when it moves past the pursuit of survival into the pursuit of fulfillment and meaning. We are truly blessed here to even have this consideration. But it fails to make the decisions and the wondering any less severe.
I want to know what to do that will fulfill me. In doing that, I want it to glorify God, not just be something that I want to do for me.
God help me find something that matches both my desire for you and for art and creativity you have given me. Help me use it for your glory. Help me find something with variety, that your glory would be shown in a multitude of ways. God help me. Amen.
tom