My Absence, My Struggle
Ξ April 12th, 2008 | → | ∇ Pursuit |
I have been gone a couple weeks from here. Frustrating I know, but for sure more for me than for you. Pursuit is the focus of this blog, whether it is the pursuit of God, writing, reading, technology, material things, happiness. I’m in a struggle to identify my pursuit. I am in a struggle to fight against my fears. I am faced with decisions and dreams that need to be made, that need to be followed or forgotten. In 7th grade (and even earlier) I started a pursuit of art. I loved art. I was not great, but I enjoyed the creativity and the challenge. In 12th grade I switched to drafting as I wasn’t likely to make anything in art. Well, 20 years later, I’m finding that the need to create, to be creative is rooted deep and I cannot escape it. Changes in my work have taken me farther and farther from the creative element and left me questioning where I am, my purpose, my goals, my desires and my motivations. I have been on a trip this past week, and I’ve done a lot of thinking. I have outlined the rest of The TreeHouse. I’m not sure when I will work on that. I have other things more pressing. Resumes and Letters to draft, portfolios to create, a photography business to attend to. The TreeHouse will come along as it can.
There are fears to fight. Fear of failure, fear of expectations, fear of rejection. These things paralyze me into non-action. It is easier to stay where I am, miserable, than to try to get out. So, I have battles to wage, mainly against myself. I have things to think through and compromises to consider. I am at a hard place, and staying positive and focused is difficult because the obstacles seem so huge, so overwhelming, that I just want to go to sleep. As I have been going along, I’m tired. And by the time I have time to write, nothing flows. even now. So I will post as I can. Pray for me. I am at a fork in the road. I have already taken the one more traveled, will I take the one less? That is a fear in itself.
on April 14th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I too feel the need to create. I spent many years searching for the right creative outlet. Unlike you I was cursed by my inability to try anything until I was sure I would like it. Turns out life doesn’t work that way. On the other hand I matured enough to determine that writing was what I needed to fill my creative urge before I committed myself to other pursuits. In a way I guess I am lucky.
I also have the fear of failure and rejection. I don’t think you can be a writer and not have those fears. You have depression added to the mix which magnifies all your fears. I know because I have been there.
Don’t give up! Keep on track by praying and seeking God’s heart and he will open up to you an outlet for your creativity! I can’t tell you when, or how, but it will happen.
- Sean
on April 23rd, 2008 at 8:19 am
Creating something can be difficult. What if it has already been done? What if it doesn’t represent me? What if there isn’t time to do a good job?
You can do anything you set your mind to. Not every idea can be used and not every project sees completion. But the creative process must be given a chance. Keep trying.