been pretty busy. been thinking a lot. It is easy to tell others that God has you in a season for a purpose. Much harder to apply that to yourself. God has me in a season. sometimes it feels like a furnace. others it feels like a desert. I feel dry. out of touch. worn. I have had a rough year, but is has had joys. Only now the lows are prominent in my mind. God is working on me, changing me again. It is painful. I find continuously that I am not the man that I thought I was or felt I could be. In many ways this is good to see and know. In others, it is hard to bear. Can I be the friend I need to be? Can I be the father I am called to be? the husband? Lord I pray I am strong. I pray that I am equipped and submitted to your spirit. I pray that you might lead me through the darkness to the other side. Help me step out. not for my own glory. not so that I am recognized. I’m learning that is not worth it, nor am I worthy of that. But Lord, help me step out in areas that point people towards you. That by my weakness and error and failure, people would see you.

So much to learn. to do. to read. to hear. help me know and do the right things at the right time.

I praise you father. I have no other hope but you. let that not just be words, but the defining thought and meditation within me from day to day.

In Christ I pray.
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things I think about sometimes:
why?
How?

just kidding, but reallyI wonder why I live in a country filled with material blessings?
Why I can go to a hospital with a card and get my child taken care of when most of the world can’t even fathom it?
Why would I get to live somewhere I can turn on my faucet and have clean pure water?
Why have I been blessed to live in mostly safety and peace most of my life when much of the world is in turmoil and violence?
How am I able to support 5 people, drive a late model minivan, a 14 year old car, both in good working condition when many around the world have to walk miles and miles anywhere they need to go?
Why have I been able to work at one of the largest corporations in the world and make a good wage?
Why don’t I have some terrible monotonous job?
Why have I never gone hungry for lack of resources, money, food, etc..?
Why does God have mercy on me? Why does He show me grace?

I don’t know why. I don’t understand. And don’t think that I am complaining. I’m not. But what I do wonder sometimes is “have I gotten my just reward?”. That is not a question of have I been rewarded, or when does the real reward come in. It is a question of “is this what I’m living for?”. Do I live only to consume and enjoy? Because I’m learning that if these things are my reward, then they will not satisfy me, not for eternity and I won’t get to take them with me?

I am only stating the obvious. Tom Brown doesn’t deserve these things. Tom Brown deserves hell. The life that I lived prior to Christ, more so, the life that I lived prior to being 5years old brought me that deserving fate, or more biblically, I deserved it from the womb, though the years after definitely secured my deserving and my place there. that is, if it wasn’t for God and His saving work in my life to change that.

I believe that we here in this country are spoiled. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take the benefits. But we do start to act and think like we are entitled to this level of comfort and wealth. I personally want to be more thankful, more aware of what I have been blessed with, how I can bless others and how I can use less on myself. If I believe that God is the true provider of everything… water, wealth, air, matter, time, etc., then I should probably live a bit differently than I do. And yet there is this war inside me, the war that Paul talks about in Galatians, in Romans, the war with the flesh that wants to be comforted and spoiled. And yet there are people that need to hear about God. There are people that need to see His love. There are people that don’t believe because they haven’t seen and they haven’t seen because I’m on my couch, watching tv, listening to my ipod, playing my guitar, typing on my computer, recording home movies, driving my car, lighting my house, eating the spoil of rich and fat living.

Ok, enough of my tirade. Back to the real message.

I want to be more thankful and I am thankful for these things. But what I am most thankful for is that 2000+ years ago, Christ came, as a baby, God wrapped in human flesh, that as it says in Hebrews, He might be familiar with our weaknesses and our trials. He lived a sinless life, doing what the first Adam, and those after Him, could not do. And when the predetermined time came, He went to the cross, becoming our sin and paying the cost for our sin, those that would believe, that He might bring peace with God to us. Without this work, this transaction, there is no hope for a sinner, for there is no good in any of us, not that is of ourselves, not that is pure.

So, I deserve hell. I still deserve hell, today, 10+ years into this Christian walk. But by the grace and mercy of God, He has given me faith in Christ, security in knowing I cannot make it on my own, but knowing that I need another. This transaction is folly to the world it says in 1 Corinthians. The cross makes no sense to those who are perishing. But to those whom are being saved, it is the awesome display power of God.

do you know Christ? lots of times I am not sure whether I do. But there is security in no other. He offers water that gives eternal quenching of your thirst. More so than our money, our things, our families, our kids, our jobs, our fun, our comfort, could ever do. We just don’t see it. But wouldn’t you want to spend eternity with the being that created everything anyway? The source of life and power and light? Wouldn’t that being be more beautiful and glorious than anything else we can even imagine? The being that put the billions (uncountable) stars in the sky? The vastness of space, the complexity and detail of DNA? The countless grains of sand, the hairs on your head, all are known by Him. He offers the most beautiful, most extravagant gift to you. Not heaven, not your own desires played out for eternity. But He offers Himself. The most satisfyingly beautiful, powerful, awesome, infinite being. You can be with Him forever, if you realize that you are really lost (no matter your worldly status) that He is your only hope, your only safety, that He is God and there is no other.

He sent Christ to glorify Himself, that sinners might be saved.

things I think about and ponder… why? how?

Merry Christmas!

If we really pay attention, life can be a continuous experience of Christmas, a celebration of God displaying his faithfulness to be with us. We may lose sight of it, but the reality is that the miracle is constantly renewed to us as Christ continues to sanctify us into His image. We have experienced Christmas several times this year, but most vividly on January 30th. But for that experience to make sense, I need to fill in some history.

First… Proverbs 16:9 says “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.”

3 ½ years ago, in mid 2003, Brandi and I had just left a dark period of our marriage. I had let go of being a spiritual leader and had been more about pleasing man. God got a hold of me through breaking me down and as Brandi and I started getting back on the same page, God brought us to Two Rivers, to a place that felt like a family reunion, where you just haven’t met everyone yet. We experienced a lot of growth in our faith and Brighton was just 3 years old. From the beginning of our marriage, Brandi wanted 6, I wanted 2, so we compromised and planned to someday have 4 children. In the summer of 2003 we started trying for another child and nothing happened, this went on for about 9 months. We were concerned, because Brighton came right away, no problems. But the Lord establishes your steps.

In early 2004 Brandi found a lump in her throat. I brushed it off as a swollen gland or something, but it didn’t go away. She went to have it checked out in May and we found out that it was cancerous, not seriously life threatening, but cancer all the same with surgery and treatment required. During treatment, we couldn’t try to have more children, so that dream was left on hold. In July of 2005 we were given the ok by our doctor to try for children again, and again nothing happened. We didn’t understand. Why not now?

In early October 2005, a young woman and her daughter walked into our life. She needed to give up her 9 month old, she couldn’t take care of her and had no where to stay. Kiana was the baby’s name. She was bound to DFS custody unless we could intervene. We accepted. In fact, Brandi called me at the airport on my way to France on a business trip to see if I would be ok with watching Kiana for a few months until the mother could get back on her feet. What else could I say?

Kiana ended up going back 6 weeks later, right before Thanksgiving, because we would not agree to simply pass her back and forth on the weekends so the mom could play with her and then go back to her normal life. We had tried and it was taxing on everyone, Kiana did not understand the changes between houses, the different rules, the different treatment. Giving Kiana back was excruciating for Brandi, we had not been able to conceive and we were not sure what would happen to this girl whom we had come to love so much. How would she ever get a chance to know God in the life she was going back to.

7 weeks later, January 9th. We got a call at lunch time, Kiana’s birth mom wanted us to adopt her. She had been kicked out again and knew that she needed to give Kiana up. We were overjoyed, scared, hesitant, but more than willing to bring this girl into our home as our own. We moved forward quickly, within the same week to get things started. And then came January 30th. A day I will never forget.

To adopt, you have to prove that you have the potential to live long enough to raise the child, so the state requires a physical to be performed on the mother and father. Brandi and I went to the appointment together and took Kiana with us. The nurses and doctors knew why we were there. They had to do tests on us and Brandi, on a whim, asked for a pregnancy test. The nurse returned shortly, wide-eyed and nervous, shaking her head yes, in fact, Brandi was pregnant. “is that ok she asked?“ wondering if we would stop the adoption with a child on the way. Oh the laughter, the praise and the thanks to God for that moment. “Yes! That is fine, it does not change anything!”. We found later that the baby was to be a son. On September 27, 2006 Alexander Thomas Brown was born. We had planned our way, but God has established our steps, His timing, His purposes. You see, I would not have been open to adoption had we been pregnant and when we started to adopt, we immediately stopped trying to have a child. It would be too busy in our minds to do that. God, knowing this and knowing what is best and ultimately for our good, gave us our desire and raised it. He established the steps that we would not have taken. May we be joyful to walk in them!

There were still obstacles to overcome. Right before the adoption hearing, the birth mom decided she wanted her back. Several court dates followed. God prevailed and showed us favor through our judge and the countless other details that showed we were the better place for Kiana to be, we did not have to raise a voice in our defense, it just became clear to all, through God‘s orchestration of details and events, that we were to be her parents.

Lord willing, there is a near term happy closing to this chapter. On December 27th, Kiana Jenae Schultz will become Kiana Grace Brown. Even in this, it is God’s visibly active grace we have a court date between Christmas and New Years. We Praise God for this opportunity to show His love to another child that might otherwise have grown up oblivious to His reality or His existence.

A few biblical words on adoption.
Ephesians 1:3-6 says: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.”

We entered into adoption knowing little about Kiana, her heart, her health, her demeanor. We do not know her future, we do not know how she will turn out. we know who to turn her to. We choose to adopt her and we have no idea of the pains or sorrows or joys that lay ahead. God on the other hand, knows all things, yet has adopted us, fully knowing all about us, our sinful condition, terrible thoughts, our evil deeds. He knows all this and still, from before time, He ordained that His Son would come, be born of a virgin, grow up living a sinless life, gather disciples that would fall away as He went to the cross, that He would humble himself unto death, that He might bring glory to God and enable peace for us with God through His death and resurrection. God did all that, fully knowing us, he adopted us, made us His own, and all this was revealed through the prophets and then was put into motion here on earth by Christ’s birth on that first Christmas.

Praise God for Christmas, praise God for adoption and His saving grace.

Don’t just experience Christmas on the 25th, keep it in sight all year around, His miracle and grace and presence is always near.

Great are the Lord’s Works

It is not clear who wrote this psalm, it is not attributed to anyone specifically, we might assume David, but it could be any number of people, in fact, it should be the cry and praise of any Christian. This psalm praises God for His great works, it calls attention to the magnificence of the Lord and reminds you to consider Him in your daily existence.

verse 2: Great are the works of the Lord, studied by all who delight in them. I like this verse, it grabbed me and reiterated an important fact that is biblical. We are called to study the scriptures. Why? so we can get bible bucks? so we can look smart in front of friends? No. so that we can know the Lord better, know His ways, His character, He is revealed through the pages of the bible. If you do not know the Lord through His word, then isn’t it likely you are making up some part of Him? He has chosen this foolish way for us to know Him to be a stumbling block for the prideful and worldly wise. But, those who delight in Him, those whom He has awoken and captured their heart, they are hungry to know this God better. They want to study Him and learn more about Him for the sake of knowing the Lord better, for He is good and full of grace. This captured my attention because lately I have not been hungry, or rather, I have not been able, willing, disciplined to spend the time in the word long enough to really get to know the Lord better.

vs. 5: He provides food for those who fear him; He remembers his covenant forever.
God provides for us. If you remember, or if you know the account from the Gospels (Matthew 4), Jesus is tempted by Satan in the desert. Satan tells him “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.” But Jesus answered, “It is written, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word the comes from the mouth of God.” God sustains us. He sustains the world by the power of His word and should He speak of our non-existence, we would cease to be. He is actively sustaining the Universe today(Hebrews 1:3). Not a popular thought in 21st century America where science rules and we are simply a universe of random chances waiting to collapse and dissolve due to our lack of purpose and some looming catastrophe that could happen at any moment. This no hope in that. No, God sustains us, all of us, every living being on the planet. And for those that fear Him (recognize Him as God and Master), He will sustain them forever, for that is the covenant He has made, and God is one who keeps His word. He has shown His power and He has shown His mercy. And the prideful and self sufficient may still choose to walk away, but He is still the provider and sustainer of all His creation, whether the created acknowledges the creator or not.

more tomorrow.
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the family has been sick and the weather frightful. I’m stuffed in the head and tired and achy. Xander is pretty sick. Things are interesting and dark right now. Change is coming, new things on the horizon, storms and calm.God Reigns, may I rejoice in Him alone. I am blessed beyond measure, I have no idea why. No deserving, no goodness in me to warrant it, except what He Himself has given me. A wife that loves me, beautiful, healthy children, work to do, skills and interests, a mind. I am blessed and may He be forevermore constant and central in my life, may He enable that. I need it. I need more of God, more peace and serenity of mind in a world that has gone crazy.

I am tired. need rest, but my mind will not shut down. I am troubled. pray for me. pray for my children’s health.