HomeI’ve been busy. I’ve been thinking, learning, spinning, avoiding, contemplating. I’ll be writing more, maybe. but probably not here. Here is an update and a view into my brain.
Kiana goes home tomorrow, back to her mother. I sad about this. Hopeful that things will work out, worried that they won’t and realizing that I am going to miss this child. It is a crazy situation, complex and difficult. One that we can’t fully discuss with anyone.
I thought we were doing something cool, something awesome, caring, charitable, something to be proud of. And we were doing all that. But it was much more than that, much more than my pride could have ever seen coming. God was more at work in me and in us than anything else.
Kiana and her time here made me realize that I am still very much a sinner. Not that I forgot, but it exposed it in different ways, different ways that I was prideful of, thinking that I am a good dad, that I have it all together and that I am in control. I’m not in control. I never was. God has used this in so many ways to crush me and where I was not crushed, my sin was exposed for me to figure out what to do with it, confess it or run with it. I am choosing to confess it.
Kiana is different than Brighton. She is not necessarily better or worse, just different. Difficult in many ways and easy in others.
God showed us we were doing something cool, that we were doing something for the mother, for Kiana, for ourselves, but really, ultimately, we were to be doing this for Him and His glory, not our own.
God showed me how I view Him through my interaction with Kiana. God showed me how I gravitate towards His harshness and not towards His love and grace. I fear resting on love and grace in that I might neglect obedience. God showed me that I view Him mainly as a discipliner rather than a gracious loving Father. I need to change, to balance that, keeping both in view. God will not change. God change me, now that you’ve shown me.
God showed me my impatience, my resident anger, my selfishness and selfcenteredness. He showed me how I was all about me and my schedule and my convenience. How frustrated I get when things don’t go my way. And now that she is leaving, I am just starting to break over that. Why do I take so long?
God showed me the beauty of children and their absorption of the environment around them. They become what they see. For nine months she saw other things that molded her and affected how she acted here. For 6 weeks she lived here and was affected by what she saw here. I have seen changes in her. In fact, she changes faster than I do. She responds faster than I do.
These are all hard things, tough things and it makes me frustrated with myself even more, to know that there is still so much sin in me, so much of me, so much flesh. Oh, but then I know that it makes me more dependent upon Him. May I never drift away from the truth that I need Him more and more the longer I walk with Him. My need does not lessen, it increases. I need more of Christ!
How I long to give her a good, safe and stable environment. i am not sure what will happen. I can only pray for her. I can only pray for me. I can only pray for us and for her mother and her situation and leave it in God’s hands. May God be glorified in what we have done here. May He be glorified in all that He allows us to do from here on out and may we do these things for His glory and not our own. May His light shine through us to Kiana and her family and may we not forget what He has done in us through her.
May God be forever praised in this house. Amen.
November 16th, 2005 at 7:43 PM
We can only pray that God’s will is being done and to be thankful for the people He brings into our lifes.