Who God is? or Who I think He is?

As some have gathered, there is a new baby in our house these days. Her name is Kiana and she is a very precious child. Also, I recently came back from 9 days in France and that means that there has been a considerable amount of jetlag on my part. Jetlag and a changed environment do not make for a very happy me. And often I tend to forget that all this is not about me or my wants, but that all that we see and do is about God’s glory in one way or another. He is just that big.

So, in my tired grumpiness of jetlag, I have been trying to take care of Kiana and my attitude has not been the best. She is a precious child, but when she becomes tired or hungry, she lets you know. And me, well I am, as my wife would say, not wired for babies. That is to say, I expect them to exercise a lot more logic and deduction than they are actually capable of. So, when they are hungry and I am getting them a bottle, I would not expect them to cry and scream more until you get the bottle into their mouth, I would expect them to quiet down and be joyful in anticipation of the bottle that I am preparing to give them and will reach them in the next 20 seconds. Somehow this is not the way it turns out. They seem to expect the worst until things turn out better or until they trust you enough to realize that you are going to care for them and give them exactly what you need. Hmmmmm, sounds suspiciously like God’s children’s response to Him most of the time.

Yesterday as I was praying about my poor attitude and seeming failure to adjust to all this new environment at home, God really impressed upon me somethings that I had not been realizing on my own. First, I am not here to live out the nice organized little schedule that I have put together in my mind for my daily and weekly life, nor am I here to be fulfilled by all that I can accomplish for my own image or success. I am here to serve and glorify God in my serving. I have not been doing that, but I have been whining and being frustrated about not having my way.

Now God really impacted me by showing me that I have been treating Kiana as I imagine Him treating me. I see Him as God and creator and provider and gracious, but I don’t, or haven’t really internalized the vast amount of Love and care and tenderness. I have in my mind I guess, a harsh God. I am thinking of the story of the master and the talents and the one man who was given one talent and he buried it because he thought the master was a harsh man. How dare I think of God this way who has graciously and lovingly and tenderly taken me through such a vast array of situations and experiences in my life and brougth me out alive and sane and ever more focused on Him. He impressed upon me that I am to see Him for all His attributes, not just the ones that I consider worthy of respect or appreciation or fearing, because He is all that He is, all the time. And if I am to display His glory and His likeness, then I am to be those other things too, loving, tender, caring, gracious, patient. For, He continued, haven’t I been all those things with you as you have cried and whined and screamed as I have prepared great things for you? Just like Kiana and me, God is preparing great things and plans and directions and often what I do is wiggle and whine and scream about how unfair or unjust or uncared for I am.

so, with all that in mind, Kiana and I are getting along much better. Why, not because she changed, but because i did. I am mindful of my attitude, of my body language, of my tension level and so I am able to provide for her and take her complaints without raising my level of frustration. Things you think I would know. Things you think I would not have to learn again. But God is continuing to reveal His nature and His glory to me, His grace and His love, His discipline and His justice. He is a great God. He is. As he has said, He is the great I AM. and, I am not. He is not who I think He is. He is not who I conceptualize Him to be, who I put together in my head. He is who He is, there is no other like Him. (Read Isaiah 40 onward). He is infinite, and we will spend a lifetime getting to know Him, an eternity being enamored by Him. Nothing else compares.