Well men, we come to the final installment of this series.  It is a bit late.  Hopefully no one was hanging on a thread for this final post.

this is a repost, a few updates and a dedication to my wife, who has graciously been with me now for 14 year.  I am truly blessed.  Brandi, I love you and can’t wait for the next 5-10-20-50 years, should God grant me that time with you.  I love you.

This post has probably been the most difficult and most daunting of any of them.  There is much to be concerned about in lending advice to men.  There is much to be concerned about in leaving the interpretation of words to men, let alone, the Word of God.  The Word of God is perfect, men are not.  Many things over the years have been misconstrued and used for the agenda of men, not God, but done in God’s name.  This is an awful thing.  We live in a fallen world.  The contrast and stark differences between darkness and light, us and God are humbling.  It is a shame that we can often go blind to the truth, and go our own way, in God’s name no less.  Let it not be so, let us ask for direction and meaning and understanding for we are faulty and capable of the same thing, may He direct us.

No, what I want to point you to as our final tip for loving your wife is actually a summation of everything that we have seen in these past tips, but the summation can serve as a theme and a vision for how you conduct your life with your wife before the world and ultimately before God.

If you are reading this, you most likely are a man.  Or you are  a woman in love with one, hoping to find some inspiration for him.  As a man, you are much different than a woman, by design, physically and emotionally.  You excel at things she does not and vice versa.  You may have some common ground with your wife, you may have significant differences, either way, you are with her, you are hers, she is yours, you both are God’s.  You may be in a tumultuous marriage, you may be in bliss.  You may be married many years, of maybe you have just embarked on the journey of marriage.  It does not matter where you are in this journey for this final tip, it will serve you. It may remind you of something you forgot, it may reignite something that is gone, it may be something that you have not heard or considered before.

It’s up to you.  I mean that in the worldly sense.  I say that because, really, everything is up to God.  He provides the grace and the mercy and the ability for you to love your wife as you should.  He enables you to go the distance of a life long marriage of fidelity, loyalty and faithfulness.  He allows you to create this imagery of Christ and the Church, of sacrifice and service and love and honor.  So in the big picture, it’s up to God, but in the mystery of life and reality, you are still responsible, so in another sense, it is up to you.

When I say that, I mean that if it is going to happen, if you are going to go the distance, to love your wife sacrificially, you are going to have to do something.  It will not just happen.  It will not always be easy, it will not be a walk in the park or a simple task to execute.  It will require you to purposefully focus and work to make it happen.  And this work will be painful as it will be an all out war with your flesh, with your self and choosing to love her as you have been called by God to do.  It will mean going beyond the reason and mantra of this world, it will mean denouncing your “deservance” (new word) and going against the advice of this age that says “it’s all about you”.  I’m not saying you are making it all about her either, I’m just showing you what you are up against.  Trading yourself as an idol for your wife as an idol will still you leave you an idolater and this is about casting off idols and through God’s empowering and enabling, creating lifesize imagery of the work that God is doing, has done and will continue to do in making us whole again and saving His people.

So what is this thing, this theme, this vision that can and maybe will change your entire life?

What is it that you could do that would both love your wife and honor God and Glorify Him in your marriage?

What is it that is so counter-cultural that the contrast would burn bright in the eyes of those watching from the sidelines?

read the words of Ephesians 5:28…

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  (Ephesians 5:28 ESV)

Think about what this looks like.  This is not doing for your wife what you want to do, but loving your wife in such a way that it reflects how you would want to be loved.  For example, I said to study your wife and get to know her.  If you have been doing so, then you should be getting a better understanding of how you can love her in ways that will please her.  It means finding ways to love her that mean something to her, not necessarily to you.  If you would like to be loved with baseball tickets, that is not necessarily how she wants to be loved.  She does not want tinted windows on her car or errands to run to get her things or new vacuum cleaners or any of that.  She may not even want jewelry.  You need to find out what it is that she will feel loved by.  Most likely, what she wants more of is you.

If you look back up a few verses to Ephesians 5:25…

[25] Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, [26] that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, [27] so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (Ephesians 5:25-27 ESV)

Christ died, gave up his life, by his own design, to buy her (the church) freedom, to make her righteous.  We as men, can’t do that like Christ did, but we can point our wives to Christ through our sacrificial serving and laying down our own way to serve them.  Again, I am not saying that you should worship your wife instead of yourself, but that through great cost to yourself, you go to great lengths to demonstrate love, service, honor, commitment, loyalty and faithfulness to your wife that ultimately displays Christ tangibly to her and to the world around you.

You can only do this through the Holy Spirit.  You will need to fight your flesh that resides alongside the spirit in your body and tempts you to live for self rather than God.  You must pray for the strength, ability and desire to do it.  You must read the Word of God to remind yourself why.  These are things that you do, so in one sense it is up to you.  You must destroy pride, you must kill the necessity to be right, the desire to be controlling, selfish, self serving, self focused, and self consumed.  These are things that God accomplishes and enables you to do, so in another sense, it is up to God.  Join Him in His work through you.  Glorify God through loving your wife, sacrificially, lovingly, the way Christ loved the church.

Treat your wife as your own body.  care for her, love her, cherish her, nurture her.  Give up your own desires for hers.  In learning how to do this, you will be blessed in serving.

It will change you, It will change her.  God will be glorified.  May you be blessed.

let me leave you with this…

[9] Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. [10] Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going.

(Ecclesiastes 9:9-10 ESV)

I’m a bit late on finishing up this series. Not because of lack of interest in finishing it, nor even for lack of ideas, but actually for wanting to make sure that these last 2 tips I leave you with will benefit you and make the most difference in your life and in your marriage.

I contemplated leaving you with some other just practical do’s and don’ts or maybe just some more little things that you can do really at any time to show your wife that you love her. Like taking the kids for the day, on a Saturday so she can go to a day spa. That would be an excellent idea. A sub tip to that would be to never ever under any circumstances refer to your taking the kids as babysitting. You are a father, if you are blessed to have kids and caring for your children is not babysitting, it’s called parenting and you share the responsibility with your wife. Every time you refer to your own responsibility of the kids as babysitting, you demean the task that your wife attends to every single day. I know not many men that will take on, let alone look forward to a weekend with their children on their own. If this is you and you avoid such events, you miss a great opportunity to give your wife a break and you miss a great blessing and experience of being with your children closely for a day or two and getting to know them closer than your normal day to day life. Don’t joke about drugging them with Benadryl either, you need your wife to know that you love and cherish the children you have together and you should not refer to them as a nuisance or a burden, they are your children, a blessing from the Lord.

While all that is good and could be expounded upon to the point worthy of a post, I need to point you elsewhere for better return on your investment. For the Christian husband, there is more than just doing and serving your wife in these tangible ways. As the head, leader, covering of your wife and your family, there is something else that you can do that will allow you to love your wife in ways that are beyond this world.

What do you think that might be?

What can you do daily to love your wife well?

What will make your relationship stronger and help you understand what Love truly is?

Any guesses?

Read the Word.

For the Christian husband, there is no other source that will feed your soul like the regular reading of God’s Word. For the Husband that hopes to honor Christ greatly in the way the he lives and loves during the short time he has here on this earth, God’s Word provides a lifetime of study and example of what it is to love well. There is no greater love that what Jesus showed to us through the Cross, that while we were still ugly sinnners and undeserving of any love, He died, willingly, to love us and to free us and to make sure that we were eternally satisfied in Him, not in ourselves.

The world will tell you that to be loved is to be made much of. John Piper in Blazing Center goes to great lengths to show this is the message of the world and that the love defined in the bible is the love that goes to great lengths and great costs to oneself to ensure that someone else sees and savors that which is fully satisfying. This is done in a variety of ways.

You will not find this instruction or example anywhere else in the world, nor in many marriage or self help books that promise to improve your relationships in a number of easy steps. The instruction and example is shown most brightly in Christ and that in God’s Word through which he reveals himself to us. If you are not reading the Word of God, you are getting your definition of Love from some other source and that other source is likely faulty and less satisfying in the long run.

I admonish you to read the Word, to learn who God is, to learn about His Son and the way that He loved us before we were ever lovable and see the way that God loves first, before He gives any command, and you will see how you are to love your wife and extend grace to her, when she deserves it and when she does not… especially when she does not… because you don’t deserve the grace you have been given either.

Read His Word…

It will change you. It will change her. God will get the glory.

Til next time, Lord Willing, Tom

I wanted to take a moment and do a sanity check. I don’t want anyone to take what I am saying the wrong way or to infer something that I am not meaning here.

In no way do I want to exalt the methods I have learned for loving my wife over the last 14 years this August.  Nor do I want to imply that I have any of this down, nor have I figured it out on my own.  And what I suggest, may or may work for you in your relationship or situation.  Most of what I am trying to express this week and in these posts are principles and things that I have learned in both walking with God and in being married and loving my wife.  From day to day, week to week and month to month and year to year, I am learning new things about my wife, about how to love her and how to continue loving her and how to honor and glorify God in doing that. And I mess up a lot along the way, even in this last week I have made mistakes and said or done things I wish that I hadn’t.  But bit by bit I learn things and bit by bit I discover things.  Some things are new, that I did not know before, other things are things that I should have learned long ago, but wasn’t paying attention.

So, up til now, I have pretty much offered tasks to do.  Make arrangements, clean this, launder that, write this, etc.  All those are good things.  Sometimes though, we really get into the doing of things, thinking that is all there is, tasks and performance.  We are guys aren’t we?  That is how we are programmed.  Purposeful doing, and sometimes you even drop the purposeful and just do things because that is what you do.

Sometimes you can fall into a rut at work or at home.  Just the mundane routine of day to day living, get up, go to work, survive, come home, interact with family, go to bed and do it all again tomorrow.  You have conversations and you have relationships, but you just are going through the motions, you are doing with out purpose.

Well, I believe at that point you need to provide some purpose if you can’t seem to identify any.  Do you want to exist this way for 20 more years?  Do you want to miss things that are right in front of you.  Are you going to wake up and the kids will be going to college, the house empty and a stranger is sleeping next to you, or sitting across from you at breakfast or dinner?

You my friend, if you are still reading this series, have been given a great gift by God.  And this gift is unlike any other gift you have been given.  It was made specifically for you, to compliment you, to in a way, complete you in regards to your lack.  God has given you this gift for a lifetime, and you have no idea how long that might be.  So, you need to make the most of it and not take this great gift for granted.

Do you know your wife?  We all got to know our wives when we were dating or courting or wooing or pursuing her.  We wanted to know her and for her to know us and somehow convince her that we were worthy to marry and spend their lives with.  Plans and dreams and thoughts and words and promises.  Some made, some fulfilled, some forgotten, some on the shelf.

You have continued to change since then and so has she.  Unless of course, you are newly married, but you can still listen in, because right now you are changing as you learn to live together.  For those that have gotten through figuring out how to live together, we need to continue learning and knowing each other that we might also stay together.  Because you have continued to change and she has continued to change, and because God has made marriage and people this way, you have a continuous classroom of learning and loving and grace extending and grace receiving.  We often don’t look at it like this, but it’s true.  There are always new and crazy situations and problems to deal with.  No, they may not be different than those others have, but to you, it is new or different or challenging or painful or wonderful, and it is new and you have to move through it.

So, after all that, what is the tip?  Here it is… To Study your wife.

To never think that you have your wife figured out.  To continuously study her, to consider her desires, her dreams, her wants, her needs.  To know and learn what she likes, what she dislikes and to not just gather the knowledge, but use it in your day to day life, what you do for dates, what you get her for gifts, where you send her on her own without the children.  What you do for her with your time.  Use this knowledge to express love to her, for her.  Show her that you care by knowing her.  Maybe you think you know your wife.  But are working to know more?  Are you putting down the paper, the remote, the game pad, the car magazine, the sports feed, putting down your desires in order to learn about her own?

This is convicting to me.  I need to do this.  God has given us a great and wonderful gift, companion, lover, friend, shame on us for not seeking to fully know His gift.

In any relationship, much of our devotion is judged on time.  In marriage, if we are not spending time with out wives, our hearts will be revealed.  Likewise, if we are not spending time with God, our heart is revealed.  Our heart reveals where our true passions lie.

Pray that God would give you a passion and pursuit to know Him and seek Him, and that He would give you a sincere and natural desire and hunger to know and love your wife, not just today, but for all the years to come, that she would continuously be new and exciting and enticing to you.  That is a a dim shadow of what it is to be caught up by the grace and beauty of God as we will be for all eternity.

Study and pursue your God.  Study and pursue your wife.

It will change you.  it will change her.  My you glorify God in it.

til later, Lord Willing, tom

Anybody old enough to remember Grizzly Adams?  It was a TV show and yes, it was in color.  The mountain man had a donkey named #7 or Lucky #7 or something like that. Anyway, I digress.

As some may have noticed and commented, I missed yesterday, and today should be #8 and tomorrow should be #9 and Tuesday #10.  I may get #8 in today yet.  It depends on how I do for #7.

I’ve been thinking back and to recap we have…

#6 - Take care of her ahead of time
#5 - Battle Pride
#4 - Laundry
#3 - Text Her, Write Her
#2 - Clean Up The House
#1 - Pray for Her

So, are you ready for Number 7?

you’ve been working hard at it this week.  You’ve been fighting the fight, getting things done, getting things in place.

So what next?

…

..

.

Honey Do’s!

and so the groaning starts… but hear me out.  There are lots of things in this busy life that consume our time and make us have to put things off.  Our wives have things that they need us to do.  We may not think them very important, but we are usually and tend to be very practical and primitive in our thinking.  While this is good for survival, it may not be good for marital bliss and harmony and peace, love, mega-happiness stuff.

Your wife no doubt has asked you do do something that you have put off due to time, convenience, etc.  So, repeat after me…

I am going to devote an (insert amount of time here - hour, afternoon, day, weekend) to accomplishing the things that my wife would like to have done.

Some of you may have children and some not.  Either way, it is still important for you to support your wife in the things that she would like to accomplish day to day, whether it is a small task or a larger project.  Your commitment might be resources of materials or money.  Your commitment might be your own time and effort.  Whatever it is, within reason, make it happen.

Now hear me… don’t go into debt or do something unwise or unbiblical to get this thing done.  I’m not talking about buying a dream home in Jamaica or anything.

I’m talking about getting out your level and hanging curtains, painting a room, hanging trim, pictures, landscaping, whatever it is that she has been wanting to get done, make an effort to get it done.

Hanging shelves in my daughters room is something that has been on the list for a long time and just hasn’t gotten done.  I want to get that done this week.

Here is a sub-tip for all you gung-ho go gett’em types.  Make sure you know what it is that they want done.  If it’s a picture, know where they want it hung and how high.  If it is paint, make sure they pick out the color.  Here is the the POINT IS NOT… it is not to get done as fast as you can to get back to your regularly scheduled programming.  The point of this is to focus on her needs and wants and not on yours.  If you view this whole thing as an inconvenience to you, then don’t even do it.  Why?  Because your heart will not be right, your attitude will not be right and instead of being a blessing to your wife, you will end up making her feel like a nuisance to your life.

That is why, as you go to serve your wife in this way, I suggest you make your own mental commitment to it and that the time and resources are already set aside in your mind so that you are not distracted, frustrated or on some schedule to get back to you and your stuff before you finish hers.

This is a simple thing seemingly… but honestly, how many simple things do we just put on the ever growing list of things that need to get done?  I know that I do it too much.  My things are often much more important to me and to my schedule than the things that she wants to get done.

So, going back to the other days… maybe you are seeing a theme…  put down your pride, lay down your life and your stuff and serve her.  And don’t just serve her, but do it in such a way that you can do it together and pray for such a mind and attitude while doing it that she can see that you are doing it not out of duty, but out of love for her and for taking note of what she finds important.

I promise that if you do that, and if you get directions and follow them, that it will reap great rewards in your marriage and in your relationship.  And what better thing for your children to see than you serving and loving your wife.

It will change you.  It will change her.  Love her in the Name of Christ and follow His example.

till later, Lord Willing. tom

This will be a short one.  But important just the same.

You know the drill.  if not, go back and read tips 1-5 and catch up.  Just click above on incontinuouspursuit.com and get to the main blog and read up.  then come along…

Ok, so your wife is on travel with your four children.  For me this is getting old because I really want them to be home now, I miss them.

Today the way that you can love your wife is to make her safe, to take care of her.  HuH?  How’s that?

Make sure that she is taken care of, even if you aren’t there.  That means forethought, maybe spending a little money, maybe thinking about the future a little bit.  We have had used cars for a while.  Last year we got a newer model car, just a year old.  Before that we had a 10 year old van and of course, the ever present and dependable 1993 Honda civic steed of choice… Buster.  That’s his name, bet you didn’t know that.

Well, having the older cars, I decided we had better get some road side service just in case.  So over a year ago I signed up for the premo AAA membership.  It was a splurge, but it has paid for itself twice already this year.  We decided to keep the membership even with the new van that my wife drives.  Today I am glad that we did.

Brandi blew out a tire on the interstate going 70 miles an hour.  The van stayed under control and she was able to get off at an exit and to the top of the ramp.  Praise God.  She was not hurt, nor our children.  Praise God.

Next, she didn’t have to wonder or stress about what to do, just had to call AAA.  They were there for her, got someone there in 20 minutes and got her underway.  All that because I thought ahead about how she should be taken care of if I wasn’t there to do so.

Do you think about these types of things? How you would want your wife taken care of if you weren’t there to do it?  It might be a car issue, it might be something you do in case something happens to you or it might be the arrangements you make for her on a trip.

Start thinking today about the things that you can put in place that will show your wife that you cherish her and that you are taking care of her, even when you are not there.  If you wait until something happens, it might be too late, you will have missed the chance.

Continue to pray for her.  continue to seek out ways to serve her.  And take care of her.  Of all the things you have in the world, I hope that you treasure her the most.

It will change you, it will change her.  Love her well.

til tomorrow. tom